Tuesday, December 22, 2009

All your hairs are belong to us.

I don't feel sick. Aside from an altercation with a rogue body part of mine, I feel perfectly normal. To look at me, you'd never know that I had cancer. You can't see the toxic chemicals coursing through my veins. You can't see the invasive tumor in my breast.

Until now...

My hair has been falling out in full-force. This has been quite traumatic, although I don't think people understand why. It's not a vanity issue. I don't need hair to feel pretty. This is the first physical mark of my cancer. From now on, when people look at me they'll see a "cancer patient" and associate me with the stereotypes that go along with it. And I don't feel like one, not at all.

To prepare myself for the eventual hair loss, I first dyed my hair pink. The next step was a short pixie cut and another round with pink hair dye. I'm glad I took that route. Seeing the short pink hairs fall out in the shower makes me feel like it's not actually my hair. My family keeps pressuring me to shave my head, but I just don't want to do it. Not until I have to.

A lot of people have suggested wigs, but I don't see a point in them. Are they supposed to make me less self-conscious? Because I will constantly be worried about people noticing that it's fake or off-centered or sticking up in the back. They're itchy and uncomfortable. I'm going to prefer hats and scarves.

I guess I just have to sigh and remember that I am more than my cancer. That sounds like a cliche, but it's still true.


  1. Dont shave your hair off completely, just buzz it really short. And you are way more than this disease, you are a beautiful, smart, funny young woman :) Stay strong!

  2. You are a beauty reguardless- do what you are comfortable with! Keep on fighting, you will win this battle!

  3. keep on keepin on, my sweet niece! :) this is your way, whatever way that'll end up bein, and i support you full force. what a visual of your pink hair floatin down the drain....i totally get that you don't feel like a cancer patient...i get that and am feeling the same way. love you very much, you warrior princess you! :) rock on!!!!

  4. Cristal,
    Your strength is so inspiring. I can see that your cancer doesn't stand a chance in your body, so it is going to have to get the hell out!!! We will have to get the Divas back on track in 2010 to celebrate all of your progress. You are always in my thoughts and prayers... Merry Christmas- Megan

  5. Nuts, I really wanted to see you in a pink buzz cut running a meeting. You should tell everybody that you are preparing for your next halloween costume. You are going as Fred Schoecting, but a cute version.

  6. Cristal, I am Kate W's Auntie from Maine. I'm sorry you are going through treatment of breast cancer. It can be very difficult. This past year I had 3 tranplants 2 Livers and 1 Kidney. Some of my hair fell out due to the anti rejection medications and I was devasted and I can't explain why-because losing my hair was nothing compared to what I was going through. I give thanks to God and the power of prayer because I get to wake up every day and live and be happy.
    I love your positive attitude. Stay strong and anytime you need to vent I will be there for you. Just ask Kate for my number. God Bless & stay strong.
    Prayers & Peace Emily (Auntie)

  7. Long hair, short hair, pink, blue, green or no hair... I'll always just see you as a friend.